percivalthegale (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
percivalthegale) wrote2008-05-20 10:33 pm
percivalthegale) wrote2008-05-20 10:33 pm
Staying busy
Being inactive while recovering from battle made me forget just how easy it is to lose myself in duty. I thought I would have a hard time getting back into routine, but it hasn't been so. Given the things that have happened lately...I'm glad. I'm glad to be completely focused, like I ought to. I know Budehuc isn't my territory, but as long as I'm stationed here under Lady Chris and Lord Salome, I'm doing what I can to be of use. I've been riding long-range patrols, keeping an eye on the trade road between here and Iksay, and also doing some castle patrols just to give Lady Cecile a hand. She is becoming quite the lady, indeed - still so sweet and innocent, though. I hope the trials of being garrison commander here don't ever ruin that part of her.
I...have sat at my desk and tried to write several times in the past week or so, but...some things are just too...I don't know. I don't know what I even feel, anymore, let alone what words to use to describe it. I was angry, yes, and I think I still am a little, but...I don't want to be. I just want to forget. I've been working so hard, staying focused on the duty at hand, so that I don't have time to daydream and let my mind turn to the memories and make those unpleasant feelings well up all over again. Sadly, I've also been spending a lot of time alone. I know some whose way of dealing with avoiding the noise of their innermost thoughts is to drown them out with even louder noise, of friends and revelry, but I haven't felt at all like revelry, and I don't know which of my friends to turn to anymore. It's been just me and Midnight most days, and it's easy to keep my mind concentrated on watching for trouble when out there alone on the plains, guarding from bandits or worse. By the time I get back to the room at night, I'm so exhausted that I just fall into bed and am out like a lamp, again able to avoid thinking or remembering.
Perhaps if I stay on this course for a little while longer, it will all completely die away. I'll truly forget, and be able to face people again as if nothing ever happened. At least no one knows about Watari. It should stay that way...despite what happened I do trust him to keep his mouth shut.
Suffice it to say, keeping busy is good for me. Idle hands truly are made for trouble. I should like to hang out with Sheena, and stop making excuses to Borus as to why I don't want to go to the tavern, but...maybe I need to just concentrate on duty for a while. I'm a knight for a reason, I didn't want to stay in Iksay forever and I couldn't, the knighthood drew me back. It's time I started acting like it, and not behaving like some kind of teenager let loose off his chain for the first time in his life. Hn, that injury hurt more than my ribs, I think.
I...have sat at my desk and tried to write several times in the past week or so, but...some things are just too...I don't know. I don't know what I even feel, anymore, let alone what words to use to describe it. I was angry, yes, and I think I still am a little, but...I don't want to be. I just want to forget. I've been working so hard, staying focused on the duty at hand, so that I don't have time to daydream and let my mind turn to the memories and make those unpleasant feelings well up all over again. Sadly, I've also been spending a lot of time alone. I know some whose way of dealing with avoiding the noise of their innermost thoughts is to drown them out with even louder noise, of friends and revelry, but I haven't felt at all like revelry, and I don't know which of my friends to turn to anymore. It's been just me and Midnight most days, and it's easy to keep my mind concentrated on watching for trouble when out there alone on the plains, guarding from bandits or worse. By the time I get back to the room at night, I'm so exhausted that I just fall into bed and am out like a lamp, again able to avoid thinking or remembering.
Perhaps if I stay on this course for a little while longer, it will all completely die away. I'll truly forget, and be able to face people again as if nothing ever happened. At least no one knows about Watari. It should stay that way...despite what happened I do trust him to keep his mouth shut.
Suffice it to say, keeping busy is good for me. Idle hands truly are made for trouble. I should like to hang out with Sheena, and stop making excuses to Borus as to why I don't want to go to the tavern, but...maybe I need to just concentrate on duty for a while. I'm a knight for a reason, I didn't want to stay in Iksay forever and I couldn't, the knighthood drew me back. It's time I started acting like it, and not behaving like some kind of teenager let loose off his chain for the first time in his life. Hn, that injury hurt more than my ribs, I think.